Life Song
by the bean25
Summary: A songfic for each main character from CSI: NY. Mac,  Stella, Flack, Hawkes, Danny, Lindsay, and Adam.
1. Tonight I Wanna Cry

Summary: Based on the song "Tonight I Wanna Cry" by Keith Urban.

Disclaimer: I don't own CSI: NY character. Or the song the story is based on.

"_I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show  
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control  
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain  
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain  
From my eyes  
Tonight I wanna cry"_

Mac was sitting on the edge of his bed. He hadn't slept in so long he couldn't even remember the last time. He glanced at the clock. It was close to two in the morning. He started to stare down at the floor. His mind started to wander.

Claire was the first to pop into his head. He missed Claire more than anything. She had been his whole world until that fateful day when all of New York fell with the towers. Pieces of Mac's heart were broken off that day. Pieces he could never get back. Claire had been his whole world. Tears had started now to sting at his eyes following the lump that had formed in his throat. He had erased every trace of Claire from the apartment they shared. He had found a blown-up beach ball a couple weeks after 9/11, and had saved it. He had convinced himself that it contained part of her because her breath was inside.

He had let himself fall for Peyton. It was years after Claire had died, and he decided he could move on. It had taken much effort on Peyton's behalf to get Mac to fall for her. He knew she had loved him from the beginning. He loved her too. Their time in London had been ideal. He had met her family, who had accepted him like he was one of their own. He hadn't had a vacation in so long and it was just what he had needed. When Peyton had told him she would stay for a while after he left, Mac hadn't worried; he thought she would return. But then she had abandoned him too. A letter; she sent a letter. He thought he deserved more than that, but he understood that talking to him would've made it harder.

Now he was alone. Alone for so long in this apartment. His loneliness, and hurt had deprived him of sleep for so long. He took the glass from the nightstand and took a sip of wine. His tears threatened to fall, but he resisted. He looked up at the ceiling then back down at his hands. He wasn't the kind of guy to cry, especially not in front of anyone. He had cried for a whole day when he lost Claire, and it seemed that his tear ducks had dried up. But now, however, with Peyton gone the tears started to resurface.

It had to get better. It had after Claire had died, and there was no doubt in his mind that he would be ok without Peyton. It may take time, but it would happen.

He fell back onto the bed and stared up at the ceiling. He started to shift his thoughts to what he knew was inevitable that evening. He knew the call would come soon. The call that had began in London and followed him across an ocean. He wanted an explanation more than anything ever. It had past annoying, went to weird, then turned into stalking.

He wanted to cry but didn't at the same time. He had the urge to let the tears fall, but his strength prevented it from happening. He had to keep that strength; it was all he had to keep him going.


	2. So Small

Summary: Based on "So Small" by Carrie Underwood.

Disclaimer: I don't own the CSI: NY character or the song this story is based on.

"_'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand  
What you've been up there searching for  
forever is in your hands  
When you figure out love is all that matters after all  
It sure makes everything else  
seem so small"  
_

Stella was sitting in her apartment on the couch with her legs tucked up to her body. She was looking out the window at the rain falling. The TV was on but the volume was down low. She had worked for a long time that day and was now ready for some down time at home alone. She had a glass and a bottle of wine sitting on the end table next to the couch.

She began to think of how her life was progressing. She had changed a lot since that night with Frankie. She had killed a man that she at one time had loved. And now she was scared to fall in love again. Any man she would date or fall for had the prospect of ending up just like Frankie. Was that a risk she was willing to take? She wasn't sure. It was better, in her opinion, to stay away from any kind of risk when it came to her heart. It was ironic that she risked her life almost every day at work, but she wouldn't risk anything when it came to her love life.

Stella hung her head. She had nothing, though. No one in her life to love or who loved her. Her parents had died when she was young, she had no brothers or sisters, and now she was too scared to find a man who could love her.

Things that happened at work had become more important than her own personal life. She would bury herself in her cases to save herself from having to face her life outside of work. Her drama at work would consume her to the point that she pushed everything else away. In her mind it helped; it made her fell better.

It was time, though, time to make a change for the better. There was nothing happening in her personal life that she couldn't change. She could push her scared feelings to the side and move on with her life. Move on to something better. There were good people in the world. People, men, that didn't want to hurt a woman. A man was out there that could treat her like she was a queen, and not the way Frankie had.

She thought about the people she worked with. The thought she had previously about no one in the world loving her was false. Mac: he was always there for her. He had told her how he thought she should take a risk and go for Drew Bedford. He was always concerned about her, and had the perfect ear for listening. Lindsay: she had been a nice addition to the group of CSIs. Stella enjoyed Lindsay's company at work and outside of work. She had become a confidant for Stella as well. Danny: he had been Stella's source of entertainment for so long. He kept the humor going in the lab, and when she was sad or upset about something he was there to keep her going. Flack: even though they would butt heads, she still needed his friendship as much as anyone else. Hawkes: he had become as close to her as the rest of the team. He was a good listener as well, and she appreciated his different view point. So, even though, her mind was trying to convince her she had no one in her life that loved her, her heart was telling her the exact opposite.

That was all she needed was love. And contrary to what she had previously thought she had it.


	3. Anxiety

Summary: Based on the song "Anxiety" by Black Eyed Peas ft. Papa Roach.

Disclaimer: I don't own CSI: NY character or the song the story is based on.

"_I don't fear none of my enemies  
And I don't fear bullets from Uzi's  
I've been dealing with something thats worse than these  
That'll make you fall to your knees and thats the  
The anxiety the sane and the insane rivalry  
Paranoias brought me to my knees  
Lord please please please  
Take away my anxiety  
The sane and the insane rivalry  
Paranoias brought me to my knees  
Lord please please please  
Take away my anxiety"  
_

Don walked out of the interrogation room. He wanted to punch something or someone. Public Defenders had gotten better since he had started with the NYPD. The guy he had been interrogating was about to crack and the stupid male lawyer came in and stopped him from finishing. Don wanted to punch the guy right then and there, but resisted.

Don was in the room attached to the other. He was listening as the lawyer was telling his client to not say another word to anyone about the case. Don shook his head then ran his hand through his hair. He had been working his ass off on this case and now it was almost brought to a complete halt.

It was days like this that made him hate this job. All he wanted to do was come to work, solve a case, and then go home and relax. These kind of days just threw a huge monkey wrench into those kind of plans.

He had never feared anyone suspect, as crazy as some of them were. It was just stupidity that drove them to do a lot of the things they did. Their actions only put anger in him that made it easier for him to be intimidating and forceful in interrogation. But those people that were stupid enough to kill someone just put all that anxiety in him. It was his job, though, and he knew at the end of the day that all that mattered was that he got the suspect, and put them away.

Don was still watching the lawyer with his suspect. He felt like his blood was boiling from anger. He had to do something else.

He went out to his desk and looked at the paperwork that had stacked up. He sighed heavily. Another contributor to his anxiety. He went past his desk to find some coffee, or something that would preoccupy him.

He heard someone say his name from behind and he stopped in the doorway. "What's up Danno? Tell me you have good news, otherwise I don't want to hear it."

"I do have good news. It's probably enough to convict the suspect without a confession."

"Thank God," Don replied and led Danny down the hallway as Danny told him what he had found.

Now Don had to go back in and deal with the stupid Public Defender, and tell him he couldn't save his client from being convicted. His day had gotten slightly better, but the paperwork on his desk was not going to disappear without some help.


	4. Stand Back Up

Summary: Based on the song "Stand Back Up" by Sugarland.

Disclaimer: I don't own CSI: NY character or the song this story is based on.

"_So, go ahead and take your best shot,  
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,  
You might win this round but you can't keep me down,_

'Cause I'll stand back up,  
And you'll know just the moment when I've had enough,  
Sometimes I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough,  
But I'll stand back up,"

Lindsay had dealt with a lot in her life. Most of her childhood had been normal. It had its ups and downs but for the most part until that fateful day her life had been alright. But then she had to go through the most traumatic experience of her entire life. She had seen four of her best friends die that day. She had seen the aftermath and had to hear the shots. It had left a scar on her.

Then when she had to testify she had to drudge up all the memories of that night all over again. She had hated it. She was scared. She had to sit in the same room as the man who had killed her friends. He sat there and stared at her. She had survived that evil act. She didn't know why, but some how she had been found worthy to survive.

Lindsay was surrounded by death every day, and there were those times when it got to her. It would take that one case to get under her skin to make her dislike her job. And there were times when she couldn't help but let her emotions get the best of her. She would let her tears fall sometimes. She's a girl there were times when being so just made her a mess of emotions.

She had thought she was going to die that day she took the jewelry into that apartment. She hadn't been that scared in a long time. Again she had been spared. It was another time that she didn't really know why she had been found deserving of staying alive but she was.

That day at the warehouse she thought she was going to lose Danny. She had said it should've been her in there, but in truth she was almost glad it wasn't. She knew the truth about what those men would've done to her. It could've been fatal for her. She might not have had the strength to fight back the way Danny had. She had been so scared for him that day. And the amount of relief she had when they found him alive was insurmountable.

Lindsay had had her fair share of trials and tribulations throughout her life. Now she had reached the point that she was ready for anything. There were few things that could be bad enough to break her down forever.

She had Danny alive and with her; she had parents who loved her; she had great friends; she had a great job. But there could be something, someday that could tear her down; however, she knew she wouldn't let it be her surmise. She was determined to keep living her life no matter what was thrown at her. She could do it. _  
_


	5. You're So Vain

Summary: Based on the song "You're So Vain" by Carly Simon. I don't know exactly it just came to me.

Disclaimer: I don't own CSI: NY characters or the song this story is based on.

"_You walked into the party like you were walking onto a yacht  
…You had one eye in the mirror as you watched yourself go by  
And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner  
They'd be your partner, and..._

You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you  
You're so vain, I'll bet you think this song is about you  
Don't you? Don't You?"  


Lindsay was sitting on the couch buckling a high heeled shoe. She glanced up and furrowed her brows when she saw Danny strutting down the hallway. He struck a pose and looked at her. She started to laugh.

"I look good," he told her. He didn't let her reply. "No," he started. "I look damn good." He nodded then popped his collar.

She started to laugh hysterically now then she stood and joined him by the entrance to the kitchen. "You are crazy." She shook her head.

"Everyone is gonna be jealous of you, because you get to hang on my arm tonight."

She raised her eyebrows at him and smiled. "Maybe I should stay home; I don't know if there's gonna be enough room in the cab for me and your ego."

"What are you talkin' about?"

"Come on, let's go."

As they walked into the Policeman's Ball Danny was still strutting. Lindsay had her arm wrapped in his. She shook her head as she could tell he still had the feeling her looked better than any man in the place.

They got to the bar and each ordered a drink. Flack came toward them in a tux similar to Danny's. He greeted the two of them and got himself a drink as well.

"So, Monroe, you wanna dance?" Flack asked and extended his hand to her.

"Yeah, Danny will have his ego to keep him company," she smiled at her boyfriend then let Flack lead her to the dance floor.

While his best friend and girlfriend danced Danny drank his scotch. He loved watching Lindsay as they glided across the floor. Flack was the one guy he knew he never had to worry about taking his girlfriend. As that thought past through his mind a woman in a long red gown approached him. She tried to flirt with him but Danny quickly assured her that he was without a doubt taken. She smiled and walked away.

Lindsay and Flack were walking to him. "Was that girl flirting with you?" Lindsay asked and without waiting for an answer she started toward the girl.

Danny grabbed her by the waist and pulled her back to him. "As much as I'd love to see the two of you go at it, let's save the drama for another day."

She furrowed her brow.

He pulled her close to him. "I told you I looked good," he whispered.

"Shut up," Lindsay demanded and smacked his arm. Flack laughed from behind her. She turned to him. "You shut up too."


	6. My Stupid Mouth

Summary: Based on the song "My Stupid Mouth" by John Mayer.

Disclaimer: I don't own CSI: NY characters or the song this is based on.

"_One more thing  
Why is it my fault?  
So maybe I try too hard  
But it's all because of this desire  
I just wanna be liked  
I just wanna be funny  
Looks like the jokes on me  
So call me captain backfire"_

"Well anyway…" Kendall said.

Adam felt like an idiot. Why did he say that? It was so stupid. Kendall was probably thinking the same thing. She started to stare out the window as they waited for their food to come. He had to think fast; think of some subject that wasn't weird or offensive. He was struggling. There had to be something better they could talk about. He had a problem with thinking before he spoke. It was been a problem since he was a kid. He had done it so many times at work even. The other day he had called his boss "dude" instead of Mac or "boss."

He was a "blurter"- the kind of person who said whatever was in their head no matter who it would offend. It was an immature thing that he just couldn't shake. Sometimes though he had deemed certain comments acceptable then they had still offended someone. He had told himself more times than he could count to just not try so hard to impress people, but it never worked. He wanted to be the funny guy.

He looked across the table at Kendall. She seemed to refuse to look up at him. She was staring at her hands as she played with her napkin. _Come on Adam, you can think of something,_ he thought.

"So…" he paused as she looked up. "How about those Rangers?"

She shook her head and said nothing in reply. She looked at the waitress as she brought their food. She thanked her and the woman left.

He was silently cursing himself. There had to be some subject they could talk about without it being awkward. "So, didn't you say your sister is coming to visit soon?" he asked, praying that was an ok subject.

She smiled at him. "Yeah she is," she replied quietly.

"Are you excited?" he asked and raised his eyebrows.

Their conversation started its flow again as they ate. So maybe his stupid mouth had gotten in the way for only a little while. It hadn't ruined their date completely. However, it still remained to be seen whether he would mess it up again. It could happen somewhere down the road. But for now he would take advantage of the fact that she was talking to him again._  
_

SOMEONE PLEASE LEAVE ME A COMMENT WITH A GOOD SONG FOR HAWKES. I'm seriously at a loss. Please help me.


	7. Where is the Love

Summary: Based on the song "Where Is the Love?" by the Black Eyed Peas. Finally, one for Hawkes!!!

Disclaimer: I don't own CSI: NY characters or the song the story is based on. Spoilers for "Murder Sings the Blues" S3E7

"_People killin', people dyin'  
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'  
Can you practice what you preach  
And would you turn the other cheek_

Father, Father, Father help us  
Send some guidance from above  
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'  
Where is the love (Love)"  


Hawkes was sitting in his office. He had just dealt with a case about a woman he had met and had liked. He didn't know her for long but she had something that made him want to give her his number. Even though her death had been an accident it had still been a tragedy.

He began to question what it was about this crazy world. It never failed to amaze him the insane things people would do to each other. The young woman who had just died had been poisoned with the fuel from a jet. And it had been meant for someone else. What would possess someone to poison someone else with jet fuel? He wasn't sure. It was his job to find out, and his fellow CSIs had done just that.

Working in the ME's office it had been his responsibility to figure out what had killed someone, and now he had to ask how. Even though he would follow the evidence to find out how, the question of why was a hard one to answer. And when interrogating someone and finding out why it still never made sense to him.

The world is so full of violence; mostly people who killed another person over something superficial and insignificant.

There were even times as a CSI Hawkes had to deal with live victims, something that made him completely out of his element. In the autopsy room it was all about the person that was lying on the table that had already taken their last breath. Now he had to sometimes see the violence first hand, right in front of him.

It was hard for Hawkes to ever believe the excuse that love had driven someone to such disdain as to murder them. Love is a quality that people possess that should bring happiness, and comfort. But people using it as an excuse to murder?

He had to keep himself in check sometimes. What he was doing was a service to society, and it was because of him that a lot of people got justice for their loved ones. The violence in the world would continue, and he had to just continue to do his job, and solve the crimes. That was all he could do. He couldn't control people and their emotions, he could only do what he had started in the ME's office and as a CSI to do- help people.


End file.
